To my Neighbor,

     Thank you for refraining from calling the police last night. I must admit (abstaining from any zealous, overreaching hyperboles) that we were slightly…excitable during the time in question but ‘boys will be boys’, won’t they? From the early days when we fling aerodynamically aligned mud pies to the day we graduate to flaming rolls of toilet paper, we’re still just boys attempting to emulate our ancient forefathers. Those early men who roamed across majestic safari plains, hunting strange and diverse mammals with ‘crude’ tools, the first flairs of human design before we reached the higher echelons of the technology we know today. My friends and I were very touched that you likened us to these proud, upright figures in our shared history – we are all truly ‘primitive, grunting cavemen’ at heart aren’t we?

     That being said, calling in the SWAT team was a little bit of an overreaction, wouldn’t you say? I say this because the mere confusion aroused at the sight of fiercely armed, screeching individuals in armored vehicles was the real reason that all hell broke lose. I am truly outraged at the unnecessary force enacted upon myself and my fellow citizens, which I dare utter is unfitting to our moralistic Constitution! My friends and I, all firmly entrenched in our dedication to the democratic rights of the individual, were horrified at the power handed to such corrupt individuals! I would like you to know, when they say we were ‘resisting arrest’ it is only to detract from our true passionate protestations we made against censorship and subjugation. I’m afraid your car and front fence are but a few of the many casualties from the ongoing war to remain retainers of our individual birthrights and freedom.

     Lest we forget.

     I’ve talked to Matt’s lawyer this morning. He says that Matt will maintain that the figure with the M-16 automatic rifle was not in fact his friend, but in the fear of upsetting this crazed, armed gatecrasher you saw him with, he whooped in pretense of enjoying watching this wanton individual shooting your Garden Gnomes. Thank you for also supplying the garbage bags when you made me pick the pieces up this morning. I haven’t replaced the ones we wore in our interpretative dance of William Wallace’s victory over the English in the Battle of Stirling Bridge last night– History Nuts from our College are pretty wild guys!

     As for throwing beer kegs in your pool…I must confess I am guilty of that charge but wish to elucidate the situation under which I was forced to despoil your pool. In the midst of the confusion from the blazing acrid from the smoke grenades of the SWAT team, my childhood friend Jonathon was stumbling within your backyard with his hands up to his face to shield his eyes. Hunched and bewildered by the chaos unfolding around him he strayed towards the black depths of your backyard pool, unaware of the danger lurking ahead. Slipping on the tiles he fell into that water, which glinted dark malevolence, and his wool-based jumper began leeching up the water and dragging him beneath the surface. He cried for help, and I heard that frantic plea and I raced to grab some empty beer kegs to improvise for floatation devices. Unbeknownst to me, several were half full. I am sure your pool really doesn’t have ‘half an inch of frothy head’, but I must remind you that when it comes to the life of a friend, sacrifices must be made. I entreat you to think of your fellow man, before you place the onus on me to pay for refilling your pool. I know I think ‘My beer, your pool for the knowledge I’ve saved the life of a fellow human being’ and I feel a blossoming sense of moral integrity.

     In closing I hope this letter has softened your sense of homicidal rage and quelled it down to the type of irascibility that never seeks to sue. Mistakes have been made, and in time they will be righted, but only with patience and stoic fortitude that all great individuals face hardship with. I am always here, or in a neighboring state, ready to support you throughout this difficult time.

     Oh and before I forget. Do you think, Uncle Rob, that this whole incident might be our little secret? I really don’t think worrying Mum next week when she’s got all that stress in hosting Thanksgiving dinner is really a good place to bring anything like this up. Let by-gones be by-gones?

Your Faithful Nephew
Mark